


From the eyes of the Free Man

by Floofy



Category: Half-Life, Half-Life 2 - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Disabled Character, Disassociation, During Canon, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV First Person, POV Second Person, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Realistic, disassociating, its both first and second i guess idk...
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:08:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24061108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Floofy/pseuds/Floofy
Summary: From the POV of Gordon Freeman, a Theoretical Physicist way over his head and pushed to the limit, experience certain moments from Half Life 2 and how they effect him physically and mentally.-Each chapter will be a recreation of a different moment from HL2 featuring Gordon's internal thoughts and monologue. Keep in mind he's not very mentally stable, but nobody would be after all he's been through.
Relationships: Barney Calhoun & Gordon Freeman, No Romantic Relationship(s)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 41





	1. The train station

**Author's Note:**

> So, I've been wanting to do this kind of thing for years ever since I first played the game on PS3, despite Gordon having.....minus personality.... everyone's got their own version of the man he's supposed to be in their head and I've always wanted to write down something for my own. Bare in mind he's definitely not okay and won't be for a long time... 
> 
> This was also written on my phone so apologies if it's? Idk...wonky....? w/e

You step forward into the unknown. The portal encapsulates you in its fuzzy green glow. Everything becomes black. What once a sturdy surface under your feet comes away quickly; air or space or nothing at all takes hold and you hover in place; the zap from the portal sending shockwaves through your body, making you clench your teeth and grit through pain and then there's absolute nothingness.

Until suddenly there's everything.

The blare of a trudging tram, the shifting of air and crackles of space rippling around you, too much noise to process- a pain in your head and whispers at the back of your mind from a being in blue. You smell ashes. Your eyes shoot open.

Gasping as the air is dragged from your lungs the world around you is much too bright; the new sensations an overwhelming presence on your form and mind. It causes you to stagger. 

No longer encased in a suspended, paradoxical tram, you're travelling along the tracks of a much simpler looking one that's firmly settled on the ground and filled with musty air. You breathe it in, shaking, everything feels off. You fall to the side and land on a hardened seat, it hurts in a way that feels  _ wrong _ . You look down. Your suit is gone, in its place what feels and looks like a blue jumpsuit. No longer are you safe but now exposed to the elements and possibly danger. 

Your mind starts to race. Your hands tremble. You grab your knees and hunch forward.  _ The lost weight of the suit makes you feel far too light, far too vulnerable.  _ Why had it disappeared? What was the cause of such a sudden change of scenery?

It frightens you; whatever was happening. You don't know where you are. Seconds before you'd been fighting on alien grounds- then pulled away by that being in blue and put in a Black Mesa transportation tram, forced to comply to its demands or- what had it said? 'A battle you couldn't win?' You'd have taken your chances maybe if not for the way it had smiled at you whilst waiting for your answer. The image of its face was burned into your brain; it's almost unnaturally white skin, the bright blue eyes that shone like stars in even the darkest of rooms, the unnaturally clean suit it wore- that  _ smile. _

You shivered. Your breathing was still coming out uneven, perhaps you should try and calm down, things were safe so far, right? You didn't want to look up and check, you were just so  _ wired. _

You shift your glasses back into place with a shaky, naked hand (you already miss the HEV suit's gloves-) and look up. Nothing jumps out at you, nothing screams in attack, nothing shoots at you down a bloody corridor.

It's just a normal, dusty, old, empty tram driving to its destination.

And that realisation fills you with just as much dread.

-

You sat paralyzed in your seat, the otherwise silence around you was haunting. The clacking of the tracks underfoot; the only thing you could seem to focus on; were coming to a stop. You don't know what you'd do once they did. Your body was still on high alert, the anxiety rushing through you in waves making your hands twist in the fabric at your chest; your legs bouncing and tapping uncoordinated at the cold metal below. Your thoughts still couldn't unjumble,  _ wouldn't _ unjumble; stuck in a questioning loop that a PhD in theoretical physics couldn't resolve.

You couldn't know where you were, what was going on, what had happened. You'd been plucked from one place and deposited in another like some kind of pawn, it was startling. Sure there were similar portals you'd been through that did the same thing but...this...this felt completely different. You found yourself wishing to be back in Black Mesa if only to be somewhere familiar, at least you'd know where to run, who to trust, what to do,  _ when to shoot- _

Now you were just directionless.

The tram stopped.

And so did your breathing.

Your fingers drummed anxiously atop your knees; eyes affixed through the crooked rim of your glasses on the doorway just a few paces away.

Should you try and leave? 

Would anything come to get you?

Flashes of movement behind the glass caught your attention; blues similar to the tracksuit you wore, moved; distorted by the dirtied window. The shapes were humanoid. At least you hoped they were.

You clenched your fists, breathed out slowly then in one two three four- out two three four- you stepped forward, legs no longer shaking.

You could push through it.

You  _ had _ to push through it.

_ Another step. _

The only way out was forward.

You wouldn't let fear of the unknown overtake you, if you did you'd be killed.

_ And another. _

You'd already been through so much.

_ Walking now. _

What else could the universe throw at you that you hadn't already seen?

_ The door opened automatically. _

You found yourself in another tram. It was empty.

You took a deep breath.

And pushed forward.

-

_ Everything was so bright. _

It hurt to look up and out towards where the tram had just been travelling; the sky clouded but still light; something you haven't seen in quite some time after fighting through Xen. The few times you had made it to the surface whilst at the Mesa, panic and fear would settle in. Once a feeling of hope and survival at being outside and free it was quickly butchered by a deadly sniper bullet or an overpassing bomber plane, helicopters attempting to chase you down and soldiers following orders. And now? Now it triggered your fight or flight response; your body pumping adrenaline; ready to sprint at the first sign of danger.

But you fought for control.  _ You needed to stay calm.  _

_ 'Push through it Freeman _ ,' you thought, hissing out air through your teeth,  _ 'Look around you, what can you see?' _

You were in a train station, a very,  _ very _ uneasy looking train station. Old, crumbling houses and bridges swallowed the scenery up around you but metal structures you'd never seen before sat pristine and glistening blue-ish black against the grey of the skyline. It looked like some kind or armour. 'Is this not earth?' You found yourself wondering. It looked enough like it from what you could see… what you could….

_ Was that Dr.Breen? _

High up on the opposite side of the station hung a projection of a man, there was no mistaking it, it was your Administrator. But why was he-

You decided to walk further in, curiosity overtaking the previous anxiety, it was still there of course, tingling at the back of your head whispering lies and pulling painfully at your chest, but you were always the curious type. You loved learning, it came with the job- and even if the thing you were researching ended up being dangerous...then at least you'd know that…

Getting closer you can tell the projection is talking but the sound is drowned out by the surrounding noise and ringing in your ear so you try reading his lips instead. You can't make out much, a few words here and there break through the pixelation but most of it you can't focus on, your head wasn't in the right place to try and squint up at a projection of a boss you'd long since thought had died, now you were finally in a building seemingly full of life it was all too much to focus on at once.

You went to turn around, return to the tram you'd come from and attempt to calm down some more, perhaps adjust your hearing aid but a bright white light was suddenly piercing your vision. You closed your eyes out of reflex before raising a hand to shield from a further flash.

There was a floating metal machine just in front of you.

Now _ that _ was not human made. Sure technology had been moving forward at an alarming rate but… you could just tell it felt  _ wrong. _

So- so- SO MUCH around you _ felt undeniably and imperatively wrong. _

The machine beeped and you made a sound of annoyance at how loud that one little sound felt, the light was far too dizzying and you wanted back into the relative safety of the metal tram but the machine blocked your path so there was no way to go…but in. You didn't want to go that way. You could hear voices. You didn't trust them. Most of the voices you'd heard in Black Mesa wanted you dead, or were dying… you don't think you could take more of that.

But you didn't really have a choice, you hadn't had much of a choice with anything the past few days. You hated it. Plus you just noticed the human like figure off to the side, it's clothing of black and white topped off with a gas mask and-

It had a stun baton.

It was walking towards you.

You bolted.

You could see the crackle of electricity in the air where the baton swayed in its grasp and you did NOT want that against your bare skin. No HEV suit could heal you if you were dead.

Up ahead you found a chain link fence, it's shoddily crafted turnstile creaks as you push into it to escape the...what could you call it? It looked like some kind of heavily armoured cop…

The cop stopped in its (their?) chase once you'd made it past the metal, the baton's power turning off in its (his?) grasp before being slid back into a holster on its (her?) hip. You thought you saw its (let's go with its) shoulders move, as if it was chuckling, but you hadn't heard anything, the blood rushing to your head as you calmed down from the panic made it hard to hear anything yet again. Too much noise. Too little unknown. Too many-

"Hello? Excuse me-? Were you the only ones on that train?" A feminine voice calls out.

You turn to your left to where a woman stands, fingers thread through the chain link to get a good look out through the holes to the other side. You hadn't noticed her but really you hadn't been able to notice much around you with how frazzled you felt.

You'd been scared and anxious, tried to stay calm and curious and then not only a few seconds later forced back to the mindset of running for your life and then once again sudden safety. 

_ This was definitely not healthy. _

But the woman looked human and was giving you such an honest, hopeful look that you couldn't resist going over to see how you could help.

Chalk it up to survivors' guilt...

You ran your right hand over the chain link as you approached her, the cool metal a nice distraction from the pounding of your heart. You came to a stop a few steps in front of her and titled your head with a questioning look. Eyebrows slightly furrowed.

_ 'What's wrong?'  _ You wanted to sign, but you knew your fingers would be too shaky to make any kind of coherent symbols. Instead you hoped the questioning look would suffice in getting her to continue to speak.

It worked, thankfully, and she motioned out towards the aforementioned trains (you'd thought they were trams) you'd just come from before tucking her arm up against her chest.

"Overwatch stopped our train in the forest and took my husband for questioning…" She continued once prompted. "They said he'd be on the next train but I'm not sure when that was…" She pauses but then suddenly sounding as if she was scrambling for an excuse continued. "Th-they're being nice though-! Letting me wait for him…You haven't seen anyone else have you?" With that she's done, a small smile lifting up one side of her mouth but it doesn't reach her eyes.

You could tell she was putting on some forced facade, but no, you hadn't seen a single soul on the train  _ (mainly because you'd been almost hyperventilating in one of the empty cars)  _ let alone anyone you could guess to be her husband.

With that you frowned and shook your head  _ 'No'. _ You watched her shoulders slump as she returned to looking out across the platforms in defeat and felt a pang of sorrow inside your heart for her. You wanted to try and console her, assure her it would be alright, that surely her partner would turn up soon and that they'd be together again.

But you were too worked up, your head was a mess and you'd seen too many scientists, security guards and janitorial workers wishing to see their significant others just one last time over the past however long it had been since the cascade had started to know that there probably wasn't a happy ending to her story either.

Families and loved ones had been and would continue to be ripped from reality after what you'd done in that test chamber.

You couldn't help her.

No matter how much you wanted to.

So begrudgingly you let go of the fence.

Turned around to continue through the foreign building.

And moved on.

-

You didn't expect there to actually be so many normal, non parasitic humans in the building, it was...surreal how calm everything was outside of your head; people walked quietly, machines humned silently and the world outside didn't seem to be filled with gunshots or grenades. It was all too little whilst being all too much for you at the same time. 

You considered taking out your hearing aid; being left with complete and utter silence but thought against it as the cement under foot turned to surprisingly shiny tiling.

The squeak of your shoes brushing the tiles would have been nice if it had not made you instantly think of fleeing and tripping on too slippery lab floors, losing your glasses in the fall and having to blindly swing a bloodied crowbar in defence of a leaping crab like demon that wanted to dig its mass into your brain and drive you around like a proudly bought new car.

You ended up pausing in front of someone sitting down at a worn wooden park bench. You looked up, eyes unfocused and took in the notches and grains that littered the poor thing.  _ 'Why is a park bench inside?'  _ Your poor struggling brain managed to ask itself. Of course, you did not get an answer in return, so it continued to ramble.  _ 'Why didn't Black Mesa have the smart idea to put underground parks with greenery and benches closer to the people who would benefit from them so we wouldn't have to take a 30 minute tram ride to get some fresh air every once and a while therefore reducing how much "time we wasted" going on said trip in the tr-' _

A hand waved itself in front of your face and it pulled you out of the flashback/ disassociation momentarily.  _ Woah, when was the last time you'd properly been able to zone out like that? Back when you'd first tried using one of the HEV suit medical stations? You remembered the physical feeling of your skin repairing as the morphine had just kicked in and you'd started t- _

The hand waved harder, causing a slight wave of air over your face, followed by a voice.

"Hey, you alright there?" It asked.

You looked up slightly, eyes meeting with a man in the same blue overalls everyone seemed to be wearing, he was the source of the voice. The eye contact kept you from drifting off again.

Unsurprisingly, you shook your head in a quick  _ 'No.'  _ God no were you not okay.

The man found that humourous however and gave a quick breathy laugh.

"Yeah no kidding, you looked pretty out of it, you didn't uh-" He stops, leaning forward slightly on the table to get closer to you, eyes shifting around looking for something before reconnecting with yours and continuing in a hushed voice.  _ "You didn't drink the water did you?" _

You blink confused. No, you hadn't even known there was water around, you don't know the last time you'd had water frankly; your body kept sated with the horribly unhealthy amount of snacks and soda you'd been able to steal from the various vending machines scattered across Black Mesa.

You shake your head at him again. ' _ No.' _

"Well good-  _ don't! They put something in it… to make you forget,"  _ The man looks around again once more, more frantic this time, his voice becoming even quieter and he doesn't regain eye contact  _ "I don't even know how I got here…" _

You almost considered adjusting the frequency on your hearing aid just to hear what he had to say but with enough concentration alongside reading his lips you understood what he meant. You wished you hadn't. What on earth was this place doing to people? Stealing away husband's? Causing memory loss? What was it doing to  _ you? _

_ Why were you here? _

_ Where even was here? _

_ Why had that being put You Here? _

_ 'Why me? Why Me? WHY ME? WHY ME?!'' _

You forced your brain to shut up.

You had to push through.

Realising the man had actually begun looking at you again, you nodded curtly at him, awkwardly, before wandering over to another part of the room where a small chain link maze stood. Behind you somewhere another man was murmuring nonsense and pacing in a short line. You were glad you'd stayed clear of him if only for your own sanity because if not you'd have probably spent way too long trying to help him in ways you weren't physically trained to do. You'd been doing that a lot recently, you suddenly realised.

_ 'Remember Freeman, you're a Theoretical Physicist, not a Psychiatrist. If anyone needs a Psychiatrist right now it's You.'  _ You told your brain to shut up and stop being so damn right.

Upon closer inspection the maze wasn't really a maze, more of a glorified, overly tall and cramped line system, but you likened it akin to a maze. You could probably file it as one; it had enough turns to not be considered 'too linear' and the end goal was slightly obscured by the metal, similar to the way a grass hedge obscures the goal but could potentially be pushed apart and looked through and cut with clippers and-

_ 'Please focus-'  _ You begged of yourself. 

You knew why you were overthinking things; it had happened many times as you stressed about work or stressed over a planned date or any other number of things you'd managed to stress over-

You were horribly stressed of course, understandably so and coupled with both the anxiety and what no doubt would form as some sort of PTSD later in life your mind was drifting trying to distract you from whatever new yet oddly familiar hell you'd been brought into as a way to protect what little sanity you had left. 

This however was probably even worse than fighting through Black Mesa because now you actually got to have more than the one coherent thought scrolling through your brain hole; of which had been  _ 'SURVIVE.' _ of course, written in bold letters, underlined three times and highlighted with a pink highlighter just so it looked flashy enough and made a statement. 

In Black Mesa, at least you could deal with things one at a time as you ran headfirst to your main goal.

An obstacle to get around? Find the easiest mode of transport and the safest route to ensure neither you nor your HEV suit were damaged.

An easy multitask!

A dead end in a hallway? Find the closest security junction and acquire a map, follow the routes provided.

Literally child's play!

An entity to kill?  _ We//… _ You'd never been the best at handling weapons but even  _ you _ knew if you shot something with enough bullets it'd be sure to die eventually right?

Mentally scarring and against pretty much everything you stood for but correct! 

And thus you survived.

Of course now you could see why this new environment was taking such a hard toll on you despite being so tame.  _ Of course you could see why.  _ There was just no end goal for your brain to latch onto now with its steely grip after having been hyper focused on its past one and you hated no-  _ dreaded _ not knowing what to do next. Alongside having to fight tooth and nail for your life through what had felt like an obstacle course specifically built to ruin you, together it was a lovely package that would sooner or later cause a meltdown. 

It felt nice to think about though, to unpack, mull over and get out of the way what the elephant(s) in the room, that was your brain, was. Your body was finally stable enough to think in more than frenzied two second sentences at least. You could feel the funny bones rattling back to life back there as well...

It still meant that you had been stuck talking to yourself in your head for far much longer than what could be considered healthy.

But it's not like you could actually physically speak anyway so…

You let yourself release the smallest of snorts at the joke.

Besides, what was the luck you'd find anyone around that even knew how to sign? Perhaps you would be stuck on this strange planet whispering stupid jokes to your mind to keep it satiated in lue of being unable to talk to another human being properly. Writing on pen and paper as a form of communication always rubbed you the wrong way. 

You finally settled behind two humans standing close to the  _ maze- _ LINE. They too wore the same blue jumpsuit- or tracksuit- or overalls- or whatever the item of clothing was called again- you'd never worn them before-

Your brain was distracting itself again.

Deep breaths. In one two three four, out two three four.

You needed to think logically. Find an end goal to stick to and work towards it; otherwise you'd be stood arguing with yourself for the next millennium. Unless another one of those strange cops came over again-

_ 'Come on- Focus, Freeman! Where are you?' _


	2. Old faces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon makes his way through the train station and meets up with some old friends...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY sorry it's been a while writing doesn't really sit high on my priorities list haha :') but uhhh I really enjoyed finally getting past this bit.... now the fun really begins folks :^)

You clentch your firsts and press your thumbs into your thighs, staring out over the shoulders of the men in front of you as you attempt to listen in to the almost police chatter like sounds ahead of you. They're too far away for you to distinguish words, the men Infront of you however are crystal clear.

"Dr. Breen again? I was hoping I'd seen the last of him in City 14…" The man on the left comments, arms crossed as he watches people move on through the checkpoint up ahead.

"I wouldn't say that too loud," Whispers his friend on the right behind his hand, body leaning closer as to not be heard by anyone else. "This is his base of operations." 

With his movements he catches sight of you lingering behind them and turns to you, eyebrows furrowed and mouth downturned in a frown. Oops. Caught red-handed.

"What's your deal, buddy?" He asks, hands on his hips.

The man on the left turns too, arms still crossed, and looks between the two of you confused.

"You eavesdropping or something? Got nothing better to do?"

You blink and feel your shoulders lifting slightly in tension. You hadn't meant any harm from listening in, you were just confused and drifting, how could you say that without using your hands-?

"Hey give the guy a break, there's hardly any room back here to breathe let alone stand, he was probably just passing through, right?" Left man states, voice calm and assuring, he settles his view on you with a small reassuring smile. 

You give him a small smile back, head nodding before you realize it. That wasn't the truth but whatever. With that "confirmation" left man looks back to right man with a lazy smugness.

"See, don't worry about it."

Right man tuts and turns back to the fence, shrugging offhandedly.

"Yeah, whatever…" He finishes.

Disaster averted you let your shoulders fall with a short sigh, you didn't mean to cause any trouble, but what you'd learnt from the exchange…. was…. interesting to say the least. With one last glance between the two you shuffle off to the left and lean up against the wall a few steps away from the chain link line, hands on your thighs and waist for comfort.

' _This is Dr. Breens 'Base of operations'.... so he runs the place? Does that mean it's safe here?'_

You look up and around the room, at the wandering strangers, the messy floors, the chain link pens, the tension in this station hangs thick in the air akin to fog…

_'I don't feel safe here…'_ You think, and it's the truth.

You haven't felt safe in a good long while; from one distressing place to another you really can't catch a break in this world… worlds…. planets…. Whatever. Nowhere was safe, you had to stay on your guard lest something jumped out at you from a dark corner and sunk it's venomous teeth into your neck-

You don't want to think about those horrible creatures right now or what you've been through these past few days- had it really only been a few days? It feels like years since the Cascade had started; green, crackling, lightning bursting forth from the machine causing havoc around you and the feeling of goosebumps up your body with the intensity at which the air was charged with electricity-

_'Stop thinking about it- it's over-'_

With a hiss you push away from the wall, thoughts still lingering on the haunting hum of machinery being pushed past its breaking point- cracking and buckling under pressure- the screams of your colleagues as they're torn apart by a laser-

You force yourself to move further through the building with nowhere to go but forward. The chain link line twists to the right, then the left and stops with the exit doorway blocked off by a cop. Ahead are two different exits; one straight ahead and another off to the left and towards, what looks like from your bad eyesight, a train. Or at least you think it's a train. Even after squinting, the object refuses to look any different, so instead you return your gaze to the person Infront of you in line. As you wait you feel anxiety start to swell once more, the feeling of wanting to run and expel energy crawling up your chest so you wiggle your leg and tap at your legs to take your mind off of it.

_'Hurry up already. I want out.'_

Finally after what feels like a millennium, the person in front of you is let forward, the guard stepping back and motioning with its baton for them to walk to the left exit before returning to blocking the path. You walk as close to it as you dare only to watch as the person complies effortlessly, walking through and on the other side out of sight with no problems.

_'Right, okay, easy enough…'_

After another few seconds of ambient Breen chatter on the overhead monitor of which you easily droned out, the guard steps back to let you on through. With a sigh to ease your nerves you follow the path of the previous civilian, mindful to stay away from the other cops, keeping your eyes set on the train ahead of you. You pass the threshold of the gate and not even a second later the doorway ahead snaps shut with a click.

Jumping at the motion you swivel around to move back out of the small pen only to be met with the blank, unmoving stare of a cop blocking the entrance. A short alarm blares on overhead, it's dull sound followed by the clicking of security cameras hanging high up that also fix you with a blank look. You squint up at them, confusion evident on your face and hunch your shoulders as the anxiety in your chest flares up tenfold.

_'What's going on?'_

Twisting left and right you're quick to find you're locked in, both doorways blocked off and you can feel your breathing start to quicken. Your hands raise to your stomach automatically, gripping in fear.

_'Why is it always me?!'_

The alarm finally stops as another door you hadn't even noticed swings open on your right. There a guard stands, tall and menacing in the doorway before pointing at you then to the hallway behind it.

"You, citizen, come with me." It demands.

The feeling of its eyes are on you and you hate not being able to see them behind the imposing, black glass.

Shakily you nod and step forward, not really having much of a choice. With the confirmation of you following, the cop turns around and begins the trek down the bleak corridor. Following on behind it slowly, once passing through the doorway this door too shuts behind you automatically, locking you in. Now grimacing at the thought of being trapped alone with the thing, you wonder if you shouldn't have come so easily, perhaps if you snuck up on it you could take it? 

Your hands shake awkwardly by your stomach, still gripping for dear life. No that's a stupid idea, you're unarmed and would drop like a sack of potatoes if hit with one of those stun sticks. You should just…. follow it and see what it wants.

The corridor ahead of you is incredibly thin, almost smothering, and you don't think you've ever suffered from claustrophobia before, but in this one instance you think you can truly understand the fear of tight spaces.

Slowly, one foot after another you come up on the cop, a door you pass by has an open shutter that you get the briefest of glances into before it's pulled closed with a clack. You can hear muffled voices on the other side. You try not to think about anything as you come to a stop Infront of the cop but your mind is running a mile a minute. Questions are swarming. It's like bees up there.

Now that you're finally close, the cop lifts up and raps it's fist against the door, the shutter opens and closes quickly followed by the light, on what you can only assume is a highly advanced lock, blinking green to allow the door to open allowing you both entry.

"Get in here." The cop points inside. 

You step in, glancing at the new cop on the left before turning and watching the two hesitantly.

"Need any help with this one?" The new cop asks, it's voice deeper.

"Nah I'm good," The one you'd followed answers whilst giving a small thumbs up.

It watches the other guard take its leave, hands on its hips before turning to you and waving in a "shoo" motion.

"Back up." It says.

You do so, backing up against the wall, hands still on your chest.

In a few steps the cop makes its way over to the large machine built into the wall and you can't help it as your eyes grow wide as you stare on in disbelief at the sheer size of it, it takes up the entire wall!

Your thoughts are interrupted by the cop continuing to speak and it's next words turn your blood ice cold.

"Yeah… I'm gonna need me some privacy for this…"

With that it bends forwards over the keyboard and after a few seconds the cameras hanging over head flip upside down before retreating into the ceiling.

You take a deep breath as it turns back to you, pushing yourself as far into the wall as possible. God what was it going to do to you? What did it need privacy for? Was it going to hurt you? You could fight back- you weren't that good at hand to hand combat but it could fuck off if it didn't think you were gonna fight back-

"Now-" 

It's robotic words cut through your thoughts and you stare in awe as it reaches up, pulls off its gas mask and-

"About that beer I owe ya!"

Blinking in confusion you look at the... _man_ now standing before you, you watch as he clasps the gas mask to his belt before standing proudly, hands on his hips, looking damn proud of himself and you can't help but think ' _What?'_ Your head is so completely frazzled right now; you have no idea what's going on; where you are; _who this guy thinks he is-_

At your silence he moves, shoulders slumping and face tilting into a frown as if disappointed _in you._

"Aw c'mon Gordon, it's me, Barney! From Black Mesa?" His tone is light but also confused.

And it takes you a second to lean forward off the wall, squint to get a better look, _realise who you were looking at-_

Before you spring forward and envelope him in the biggest hug you can muster in two seconds flat.

Barney's too damn tall and too damn buff for you to wrap your arms around him completely but it's _him_ and you can't squeeze hard enough to show how much you'ved _missed his dumb ass-_

"Heh- careful Gordon or you'll knock me off my feet!" He jokes, wrapping his arms around your back and returning the hug with just as much force as you, perhaps even more.

You both know you'd never knock him over, you're tiny compared to his physique and now more than ever are you glad for it because as soon as he pulls you closer you can feel your legs giving out from under you and before you know it he's holding you up from falling on the ground as you shake with sobs and tears.

' _Finally- FINALLY SOMETHING FAMILIAR-'_

At the feeling of you slipping he holds on tight, arms moving down to grab under your armpits.

"Oh- shit okay hang on doc I gotcha-"

Slowly Barney moves you backwards and towards the table behind you, patting your back and shushing you in that endearing 'its okay' kinda way, before letting you sink down on the metal and pulling back.

"Hey- hey it's okay doc, you're okay…" He attempts to reassure, hand still on your shoulder as he hovers over you awkwardly.

You hiss between your teeth at the outburst, furiously wiping at your eyes with your fingers under your frames, careful to not fling them from your face. You can't see anyway with the wetness blocking your vision and sticking to your eyelashes but you'd be double blind without the things. It feels good to let it out but you're also incredibly frustrated that your body's first response to any kind of normalcy in like a week is to fucking _break down and cry._ With a sniff you wipe your hands on your thighs to get rid of the wet feeling, fix your glasses on your face, look back up at Barney and _Jesus Christ why does he look so old?_

Deep purple bags are settled under his eyes alongside wrinkles and crow's feet, his jaw is covered in unshaven stubble and his hair… _you can see grey spots._ It takes you so completely off guard that you stop crying.

Barney pat's your shoulder comfortingly.

"You good?" He asks, looking over your face just as you'd done his. You can see the slightest of confusion tugging at his eyebrows and mouth but he doesn't say anything else, just waits for your response.

With a long sigh you nod, bringing up a shaky fist to nod alongside.

"Yes." You sign.

And God doesn't that feel good.

After one last harder clap to your shoulder, Barney backs up to the machine once more, his gaze on you the entire time. You can tell he's still worried but doesn't want to push it. For that you're thankful, you don't know how much you'd be able to say right now the way your head is, there's still so much you have yet to process…

"Well hey uh," Barney starts, his arms outstretched. "Sorry for the scare by the way- I had to put on a show for the cameras…" He hooks a thumb over his shoulder at the machine behind him.

Slowly you stand up from the table, nodding as he speaks to show that you're listening. You stop by his side, just wanting to be near him, and cross your arms over your chest for comfort- you realize you've done that a lot in the last 5 minutes.

Turning to the machine he begins to type on the keyboard, it's bright blue lighting blurred by your still wet eyes, so as he continues you decide to further wipe away; hoping to get rid of the damn obstruction.

"I've been working undercover with Civil Protection," You have no idea what that is but he doesn't stop to explain. "I can't take too long or they'll get suspicious. I'm way behind on my 'beating quota'," He rolls his eyes and then gives you a _look_ that you also don't understand.

The screen in front of you blinks to life, the once blue glare now the image of a gray wall and what looks like the side of a window? All too suddenly another familiar voice springs to life from the speakers and you find yourself grinning as no one other than _Dr. Kleiner_ walks into view.

"Yes, Barney, what is it? I'm in the middle of a critical test!" The old scientist asks, slight annoyance in his tone.

"Sorry Doc," Barney starts before moving out of the way of the screen and raising a hand in your direction. "But look who's here!"

You take the invitation to stand in Barney's place and give a little wave that you hope Dr. Kleiner can see. Instantly the Doctor's face lights up as he adjusts his glasses, eyes completely on you.

"Great Scott! Gordon Freeman- I'd expected more warning!"

"Yeah you and me both doc, he was about to board the train to _Nova Prospect."_ Once again Barney gives you a _look_ as if you should understand the meaning behind it, you just glance at him confused.

You have so, so, SO many questions right now.

The Doctor looks at Barney, eyebrows furrowed. "Well Barney? What do you intend?"

The man in question scratches his neck, "I'm thinkin' I'm thinkin'!" He relents, shrugging awkwardly at the sudden question.

"Alyx is around here…. Somewhere! She would have a better idea how to get him here…"

_'Why does that name sound familiar?'_

With a small glance at you, _you kinda feel useless right now not gonna lie,_ Barney nods.

"Uhh- well if he stays away from checkpoints he should be okay?" He says, sounding unsure. 

You watch him nodding to himself as If to assure himself of it. 

_'You should be okay? Why-? Is he not coming with me to assure that?'_ You can feel a frown start to form. _'No...I can't leave yet...I only just got here-'_

With one last quick glance between you and the Doctor, Banrey interrupts your train of thought, a sudden urgentness making him speak quicker than earlier.

"Listen- I gotta go Doc we're taking enough chances as it is…"

Kleiner just nods understanding. You're left blinking, still confused.

"Very well- and uh Gordon?"

You look up at the screen.

"Yes?" You sign, hands no longer shaking.

Your old mentor fixes you with a warm, genuine smile of which you can't help but smile back.

"Good to see you…" 

And with that the screen returns to its blaring blue hue.

Before you can even process what's been said there's an arm on your shoulder, pulling at your attention.

"Okay Gordon-" Barney starts suddenly, turning to face you fully. "You're gonna have to make your own way to Dr. Kleiner's lab-"

You blink surprised, raising your arms to start protesting, to tell Barney _'No! I can't do this alone!'_ but a knock at the door forces you both to freeze. With a hiss Barney turns towards it, both hands now holding you. You can feel the tension in his fingertips.

"Aw man!-" He whispers quite loudly, starting to push you backwards against your will. "That's what I was afraid of- c'mon get over here Gordon there's a way out this way!"

You shake your head at him, confusion and panic starting to set in. Grabbing at his chest you attempt to push back, stop the manhandling and sign something to get him to stop and explain but his grip is _firm_ ; much too strong and you're quickly moved to the corner of the room. He lets go with one hand to punch in a code on the door lock and you take that chance to start signing.

"No! No! No!" You sign, fingers flat against your thumb shaking up and down.

The sound of cop chatter can be heard as the door behind you flies open and you look back for just a second to see boxes before your stare is right back on Barney. You've clenched your teeth in desperation, hoping to good he'll stop pushing you for _one god damn second so you can sign something more substantial-_

"Get IN here Gordon before you blow my cover!" He hisses, fixing you with an apologetic but determined glare.

You don't want to leave him again- It feels like it's been so long since you'd seen him last and you have no idea where you are or-

"Pile up some stuff to get up to that window and keep going till you're in the plaza!" He says attempting to push you through the threshold, but you don't want to listen! 

Hold tight on his collar and with your other hand braced against the doorframe you plant your feet firmly on the ground. Eyebrows furrowed you shake your head in defiance. You can feel tears prickling at your eyes again as he shoves you and you once again shake your head furiously at him. 

_YOU DONT KNOW WHATS GOING ON._

_'WHAT IS THIS PLACE? WHY DO I HAVE TO GO ALONE?'_ You want to shout, but all that comes from your mouth is a weak croak. Your breathing is way too fast, at this rate you're going to hyperventilate!

With one last hard shove Barney pushes you past the doorway and slams the door shut in your face, locking it and you out.

"I'm sorry Gordon!" He says muffled by the door; just barely audible. "You gotta do this! I'll meet up with you later!"

You stand there, dumbstruck and shaking, looking down at the shadow of Barney through the crack under the door.

_'Nononononono-'_

_You can't do this again._

There's the sound of someone sighing.

_You don't want to be alone again._

The twist of feet on concrete.

"Pl-e-ase-" You struggle out, the pain of speech stabbing like pinpricks up your throat.

The crash of a door being pushed open.

And then the shadow of Barney is gone.


	3. Alone with your thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon gets to slow down and think for a bit but none of its really making any sense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (once again am writing on my phone at 6-8am when I should be sleeping but yknow how it be aka this isn't proofread but none of my writing ever is lmao enjoy)
> 
> This is the start of me being able to break away from canon and the game properly to give Gordon more personal moments! I'll be peppering in these kinds things every so often to break up the story cutscenes so it's more personal yknow  
> also  
> I included something from the Black Mesa fan remake in here cuz I rly love it!! and a lot of things my Gordon would do come from the Black Mesa interpretation of which will pop up offhandedly :) hehe

Speaking had been a bad idea. Your throat hurt. Your eyes stung. Your body shook. Your breathing was sporadic. Confusion, hurt, anger. It swelled up inside. You want to punch something. Digging your fingernails into your palms helps a little. You hiss out a breath, stepping back away from the door at the sound of muffled cop chatter and look around the small room you're trapped _ -nonono not trapped- _ in.

It's a storage room. There's an elevated platform up to some windows you could probably leave through. There's boxes-  _ you need to stack some right? That's what Barney had said? _

_ Barney. _

Just thinking about him shoving you back with no explanation as to why you needed to run made you even more red in the face. You'd  _ just _ seen him again after days of thinking the worst and this was what you got upon your reunion? Terrific.

_ 'Fuck Barney. Why does he expect me to know what I'm doing-' _

You stamp over to the ladder-  _ get out of the room first then you can be angry- you need to do this one thing for him then you can be pissed at him all you LIKE-  _ and climb up clumsily; being used to the weight of a HEV suit pulling you down as you lift yourself higher rung after rung.

Where the fuck even was the HEV suit.

_ 'Where the fuck even am I?' _

You feel like you're having a miniature mental breakdown.

Hissing once more; you've climbed the ladder and are faced with an open window that's too high up for your 5"4 body to climb through. Being average height sucks ass. Barney would be able to climb it no problem.

…

_ Fucking Barney. Motherfucker- _

Stack box first. Anger later.

_ 'Right.' _

The wooden crates are easy to move and within a few seconds you've created a slightly wobbly platform up to the windowsill. It's strange how often you'd done something so specific over the last couple of days…

_ 'Don't think about it Freeman.' _

Teeth clenched, you poke your head out the window and vertigo almost has you toppling over head first at the sudden drop presented to you. Outside is a small courtyard with basically nothing in it other than grass and fresh air.

_ 'Gotta drop.' _

Your heart pounds despite the simple action. You heft up onto the sill, preparing to vault, but you don't have the suit will this hurt really bad you hadn't thought about that shit you've never done this kinda fall before without the suit-

_ 'Move. Forward.' _ You curse your brain for caring about your well being at a time like this.  _ 'Go.' _

…

Your fingers dig into the metal. You've become too dependant on that damn suit-

_ 'Go go go go go-' _

You really don't want to risk breaking an ankle or something-

The sudden spike in volume of police chatter to your right is what does it.

Panic flares up and you jump.

Freefall. Air rushing past your face. Your hand to your glasses- can't let those break- and then solid ground. Your feet thud dull upon the grass and it sends small painful shockwaves to your knees; coupled with your still shaking body you allow yourself to fall onto them; hissing.

_ 'Fuck this fuck this fuck this-' _

You want to get up instantly, keep moving on and do what Barney had said, regroup with him,  _ ask him what's going on already  _ but you're a complete mess and can't fully think straight and  _ god you needed to slow your breathing or you're gonna hyperventilate- why did the cascade have to reawaken your long forgotten anxiety attacks jesus christ- _

Slowly dragging yourself backwards over the dirt, you ruffled a hand through your hair in an attempt to push it back to the side and out of your eyes. Finally your back hits the stone wall and you sigh a shaky breath, closing your eyes and curling up, knees up and hands back over your chest for comfort.

Despite how still the air is out here it's cool against your flushed face, helping you calm down somewhat. You're honestly just thankful it's not the Black Mesa desert kinda still; that shit could get unbearable sometimes.

Opening your eyes you stare skyward at the unnaturally plain and dull greying clouds, a hint of blue peaking out every so often between them, hinting at the natural colours beyond and it's suddenly… peaceful. You find yourself getting lost in the sight, so simple and boring compared to Xens explosion of colours but it's  _ natural and normal and it's home... _

You'd automatically started your old breathing exercises at some point between curling up against the wall and getting lost in the clouds. With your mind blanking to an almost normal state-  _ there's no knowing what that is any more-  _ you breath in 1, 2, 3, 4, out 1, 2, 3, 4 and repeat until the horrid thumping in your chest dissipates.

With a sigh you let your hands fall into the grass, fingers curling around the strands slightly. You still feel angry but now it's a contained anger and it's directed at life; no longer at Barney. Poor Barney, he didn't deserve that, you felt the need to apologize to him on the principle of being such a jerk mentally. He was just trying to protect you.  _ From what though _ ?

Scrunching up your face in annoyance, you close your eyes once more and the previous brightness of the sky creates dancing splotches behind your eyelids as you finally let yourself think.

_ 'Something is... wrong. This is Earth but wrong. Nothing makes sense. There aren't any aliens or soldiers around trying to kill everyone just people… people like me. At least I don't think there's aliens…' _

You click your tongue absentmindedly, imagining the strange white masked cops from earlier.

_ 'Are they human?' _

They had to be, right? Their body's were far too humanoid to be anything else and their voices were filtered through those masks to create a distorted sound, Barney's voice had been evidence of that... although… they were almost motionless, only moving when absolutely necessary and… those three armed and multiple eyed creatures you'd fought previously could definitely be mistaken as humanoid… especially down a dark corridor…

You grimace at the memory that springs to mind; a hunched figure under a flickering and broken ceiling light that's oblivious to your approach, you'd moved forward slowly, your flashlight off as to not scare it away and tapped it's back thinking it to be human only to be thrown back with an electronic green bolt not a second later. 

But then again thinking back to how the same creatures reacted to you on their home planet of Xen; non-hostile, complicit, doing mundane things in their little homes... even inviting you in...perhaps they were naturally friendly…?

_ 'So then why had they attacked? For survival? But they'd been nice on Xen so not survival- no No- What about the other creatures? The jumping crabs and the three legged spitting dogs? They'd purely attacked on sight? Why? For what purpose-? Why had they been brought over to earth in the first place? How had there been so many so suddenly? What on earth had we been doing with a crystal so powerful-?' _

You shift on the ground, wiggling awkwardly as you struggle to keep your train of thought coherent and on track, there was so much to think about-  _ so much _ had happened over just the course of a few days that simply didn't match up to your current predicament and it was frustrating as all hell to try and piece together on such limited knowledge.

_ 'Is this a similar situation on earth as to what I glimpsed on Xen? _

Your eyes shoot open at the sudden thought.

_ 'Surely not?' _

That would be a horrible outcome and also a very far fetched theory; you had no clue what could possibly be happening around you and just because you'd seen some strange beings in bodysuits bossing people around with stuns sticks and making everyone wear the same outfits and not tell them about their missing family members it  _ didn't mean  _ the earth was under some sort of crippling captivity.

_ 'Right??' _

Wait… speaking of 'suits' that…  _ thing. _

You blink, staring ahead at the wall as its haunting form comes to mind.

The unnaturally clean suit, it's piercing glowing blue eyes, the odd way it spoke…  _ what _ it had spoken about…  _ to _ you…  _ about  _ you.

Sitting up straighter against the wall you find yourself suddenly very uncomfortable. Your fingers dig into the grass, the delicate strands breaking off in your grip and becoming trapped in your fists. You clench your teeth and suck in a breath.

What the hell had that thing even wanted with you really? It's previous words are fleeting on your stressed out brain but you remember one part very clearly;

_ 'It's employees were impressed with my work and they'd offered me a job. _

_ And I took it.' _

That had definitely not been a good idea.

_ But you didn't have a choice. _

Ever since the cascade had started you'd never had a choice.

It was either go to Xen and kill the thing keeping the portals open or  _ die. _

_ You didn't have a choice now either. _

There was no way out of this courtyard other than a singular door on your right unless you wanted to try and crawl your way back up the wall and into Barney's storage room, but he'd been desperate to get you to leave, to not "blow his cover", to get you to go somewhere  _ safer _ .

And here you were dissociating in the dirt and destroying grass with your bare hands.

Looking down you drop the strands and rub your hands clean on your pant legs. The ruined leaves lay limp and dead around you. You frown. They hadn't deserved that; nature was a friend.

You hadn't deserved any of this either.

Sighing, you use the wall to pull yourself back into standing before fixing your glasses with a sniff and facing towards the exit.

_ Nobody _ deserved this.  _ Whatever  _ was going on.  _ Nobody deserved it. _

Newfound determination runs through your veins.

You're going to find out what's going on here and you're going to _fix it_ ** _._** You've done it before and you can do it again. 

You'll probably panic and flail and cry  _ but you'll get it done. _

Nodding to yourself you walk forward with confidence.

You've killed a god like creature, visited an alien planet where everything wants you dead and survived countless encounters with the United States military, if anything at the end of all this you'd have a pretty fucking good résumé.

Dr. Gordon Freeman, Theoretical Physicist and God killer. Yeah that had a good ring to it.

You can't help but snort.

_ 'Keep pushing forward, God killer.' _


End file.
